Relationship rescue on the net

Relationships are amazingly complicated things. We all have them and there is a wealth of media out there detailing the relationship experience. Of course, when they go well they are stuff of fairy tales but when they go wrong the complications kick in. Who do we turn to when our little piece of heaven starts clouding over? Most of us turn to our friends for a spare shoulder and advice. If that fails then there is always a wealth of self-help books and websites out there, not to mention the numerous agony aunts and uncles.

Dear Cupid is an advice site with a twist – not only can you seek advice but you can offer your own too by simply registering for a free account. Currently there are well over 18,000 agony aunts signed up for an account, this means that when you ask a question you can expect a diverse spread of opinion. Registration for the site is relatively painless and worth it because you can ‘build’ your presence easily and interact more extensively with the community. Also, you never know when your individual experience is going to make a difference for somebody else. Your profile is a little simplistic allowing for a short bio and a link along with a picture.

Any questions and answers you ask will be logged in ‘your column’ so your record on the site is clearly visible. You can also readily access any follow-ups from question askers as they are marked. Asking a question and receiving a response is a relative quick process and it is simple to do. Questions encompassing all type of relationships are covered and grouped together by category so you can find others are having the same problem as you and see what responses they got.

In addition to the main Q&A section there are also forums for lighter discussions, a facility for mailing each individual aunt in private, and a new articles section. These features add to the interactivity of the site and are welcome additions. The site design is functional but not spectacular; the overall tone of the site. It functions and in some way excels at what it does but does not push boundaries. However, given its precise function this is no bad thing, the last thing you actually want when in emotional distress is to be assaulted by bells and whistles, what you want is something simple and easy to get to grips with.  

Problem Exchange follows a similar format although it appears that there is less traffic here than at Dear Cupid. It has a couple of noteworthy additions; registered users can set how they are feeling as they sign on and there is an easily accessible banter page which hosts every kind of discussion you can imagine. This is an area where Problem Exchange (PE) does something better than Dear Cupid which is a much better advice site but when it comes to developing a community feel comes up a little short.

One slight niggle with PE is that it seems impossible to insert paragraphs into both questions and answers which makes pages of block text look like hard work. I am also not aware of any moderation policy when it comes to answers; I registered and started posting with no interruption. Obviously eyes must be kept on the site but there is an obvious danger from allowing answers to be posted unmoderated; tellingly at the bottom of the site there is a disclaimer – “The site makes no claims as to the reliability or veracity of any of the posts or responses”.  

Of the sites that are ’static’, in that they don’t take the problem sharing approach, one of the better ones is Relationship Tips. It has extensive sections covering a diverse range of topics such as abusive relationships and office based romances. Feedback facilities exist in the ability to both rate and provide comments on the tips on the site. While I found some of the advice useful and insightful I thought the section on ‘Relationship Astrology and Love symbols’ was of debatable worth although what is your star sign?’ is a popular question to ask in the ‘getting to know you’ phase of any relationship. The main problem with this kind of method of dispensing advice is that it is rather devoid of context and that is, of course, something that makes all the difference.  

eNotAlone looks more like a bookstore upon entry to the site, something that can be a little disconcerting. However, along with Dear Cupid this is one of the more active sites that I visited. All of the discussion takes place in forum format with a wide variety of topics covered. Provision is included for off-topic discussion and even for journal entries and the posting of the odd poem or two. Registration is relatively simple however the forums can be something of a maze due to the high activity on the site. If you are asking for advice then make sure to place your problem in the correct category and if you are wanting to give it then it maybe best to focus in one or two areas.  

Overall, the wealth of information on dating and relationships available is directly proportional to the weight they carry in peoples lives; ie, there is a lot of it. If you are looking for a neutral perspective on your current dilemmas then you could do a lot worse than visit one of the sites listed above.

Israel, bully or bullied??

 I wrote the below piece for a site called Digital Journal which I am an active contributor too…it caused quite a debate!!

 Israel/Palestine is one of those questions where it is very hard to hold a nuanced position, it is always assumed criticism of one side is support for the other. This is extremely detrimental to reasoned debate.

Often one-sidedness appears in the debate and is repeated in an effort to correct that particular skewed perspective. However, I cant help feeling that the recent opinion piece on this site ‘Slapping a bully in the face’ veers too far in Israel’s favour, portraying it as an ‘innocent’ victim of other nations excesses. Before we start lets establish one thing; Israel has a right to exist and its citizens have a right to a peaceful life.

Asserting that right does not however give the Israel a blank cheque to do as it pleases; something it often receives from a guilt-ridden West. Let’s start with the issue of collective punishment of the Palestinians, especially those living in the Gaza Strip. Leaving aside the frequent Israeli air strikes in the region there can be no doubt that the cutting off of essential supplies to the Strip is exactly that.

Even Israel’s High Court has baulked at the notion of power supplies being cut although it has allowed the limiting of fuel supplies. Historically however we all know that Israel has targeted civilian resources in a direct violation of internationally established rules of warfare. The Geneva Convention is quite clear in its prohibition of;

Collective penalties and likewise all measures of intimidation or of terrorism

In the ’schoolyard scenario’ what role is Israel playing here? It certainly is not the one of the ‘new kid on the block’ struggling against a oppressive aggressor. It is clearly the aggressor, in fact the Israeli state in collectively punishing the Palestinians is committing an act of terrorism, state terrorism directed against an entire people.

Israeli state terror against the Palestinians is commonplace. How else can you explain the 10,000 plus Palestinian prisoners? How else can you explain the 4,000 plus Palestinian homes that have been demolished in Israel’s quest to (illegally under international law) expand well beyond it’s current borders?

Another story on Digital Journal today highlights the contradictions for those who wish to see Israel as the ‘victim’. A story by dpa news reports that the United Nations has called on Israel to cease it’s violations of Lebanese airspace and of UN Resolution 1701. Once again, the Israeli state is the aggressor. Israel is not the ‘victim’ of bullying, that is not to say attacks on its civilians are justified, but in many scenarios is the instigator of aggression.

If there is to be peace in the Middle East it will not come until the violent excesses of the Israeli state are curbed alongside the barbaric terrorism of Hamas and it’s ilk.

Weird wonderland – DVD Review

 (Dir: Hayao Miyazaki, 2003, PG, 120mins running time)

Rather than make you wait till the end of the review for my opinion I will start with it; Spirited Away (Sen To Chihiro Kamikakushi in Japan) is marvellous, brilliant, fantastic, supercalifragilistic expialidocious and more. If you are looking for a slightly different gift to fill somebodies Christmas stocking with then you could do alot worse than this DVD.

 It opens with a girl called Chihiro and her parents setting off for there new home. Chihiro is quite naturally upset and refuses to be placated. On their journey they take a detour and end up entering a mysterious cave. The cave opens up to a luscious green landscape, a dried up river, and a ghost town. While exploring, her parents find an unattended feast; unable to resist the temptation they begin gorging themselves.

Meanwhile Chihiro, sensing something is wrong, explores further. She find’s a deserted bath house but the day begins to fade and once again she begins to feel uneasy. Returning to find her glutinous parents transformed into pigs, Chihiro is left alone as lights begin to strike up in windows and strange shadows take shape. The scene is set for a breathtaking adventure.  Although I have yet to experience any other Japanese animation, I am reliably informed that adults often appear in this way; completely lacking in common sense and totally unaware of things there children obviously are. The central premise, that children posses a wisdom and maybe even intuition that adults do not and that in some ways adults are poorer and stupider for it is one that is definitely not present in mainstream Western culture. In that sense Spirited Away brings the joy of a fresh perspective on the world to the screen. Rather than being a children’s adventure written through an adults eyes it gives the impression of almost having been written by a child.  

Chihiro soon finds employment in the bath house which turns out to be where the gods and the spirits go for a spot of cleansing. The bath house is owned by a witch called Yubaba who as well as owning three bouncing green heads as pets has managed to spawn an improbably large off-spring. Chihiro, now Sen, soon makes friends among the eclectic cast of characters, most notably with a monster with no face that she let’s into the bathhouse from the outside. Saving a river spirit from human pollution elevates Sen to star status.

However, her love interest, Haku, is hurt badly running an errand for Yubaba. During her quest to save him Sen meets Yubaba’s good twin, Zeniba.  If you are confused now then bear this in mind; this is only a very brief, abridged version of the story. The film run’s for over two hours and by the end of the two hours you will almost certainly get lost more than once. In essence the story is about Chihiro’s journey through her own self-doubt and fear. On this level it appeals to adult viewers as well as a younger audience. It is something that can be enjoyed as both a piece of mindless escapism and as a story of deeper meaning. Just put the DVD in your player and allow yourself to be Spirited Away! 

Out of your league??

If one topic is bound to generate heat between me and one of my friends then it’s the perennial question of ‘leagues’. Quite simply she insists they exist and I insist they do not although in practice I still sometimes think in terms of them. We all do sometimes, don’t we?? How many times have you seen a man/woman out on the town or across a crowded room and thought if only..?

Your assessment of who is out of your league depends entirely on a) how you perceive yourself and b) how you perceive the other person with the relationship between the two being inverted; ie, they are as perfect as you are flawed. Notice how your league position never seems to change if you think like this. You are always Torquay United, rattling around the bowels of the Football League, and they are always Chelsea, the top (or nearly top) of the top.

This is a huge point about dating leagues; they exist in your head. People who think this way almost always do so because they have poor self-image and this not only leads them to wildly underestimate themselves but to overestimate their dream mate. We all have a dream partner or picture of the ideal in our head. Often however that dream reflects aspirations less to do with others or those we want to spend time with but more with regard to our own character. Leagues thus can come into play even when a person is relatively self-confident and sure of themselves. Somebody, for example, might be relatively sure of their outward attractiveness but feel intellectually inferior thus an intellectual will be out of their league.

This debunks another ‘league myth’. It’s not just about looks; it applies to personality traits too. From intelligence to ‘moral purity’ people rank themselves in all sorts of different ways.

Promotion

Just because leagues only exist in your head does that mean that in theory anybody could date anybody?? In theory the answer has to be yes. However, the bad news is that theory only exists in your head too. In practice, back in the real world, the answer has to be no. However, this has nothing to do with the existence of ‘leagues’ and everything to do with individuality and the complexity of human interactions. Not everybody is your type and you will never be everybody’s type.

Accepting that is a crucial step to ‘promotion’. If you do then you are less likely to take rejection as a reflection of the other person viewing you negatively. It simply maybe the case that after they have checked you out they have decided what you have to offer simply isn’t for them. ‘Punching your weight’ is a good idea but not in the way you would necessarily think. Falsified confidence is off-putting and easily spills over into arrogance. Confidence is something that is carried naturally and doesn’t need to be pushed on people. Be yourself.

This doesn’t mean spill your guts out on a first date. Of course you are going to want to ’sell yourself’; however, remember that if you undersell yourself then you will lose the hook and if you oversell you are going to come off as arrogant and phoney. Above all, don’t mentally straightjacket yourself; she/he may look ‘out of your league’ but you never know, maybe they are ‘the one’ who is going to lift you high above it all.

Sound of the Underground

Emma Clarke has become something of an instant celebrity. She is one of those people who you would instantly recognise but never know their face; she was the ‘voice of the Underground’, if somebody tells you to ‘mind the gap’ on London’s subway then it was probably her. 

She shot to fame as she was misquoted in an article in the Mail on Sunday as saying that tube trains were ‘dreadful’ and that she ‘avoided them at all costs’. Her subsequent dismissal has spawned a Facebook group calling for her reinstatement and traffic to her website has shot through the roof.

The site itself is impressively presented and one wonders if the multi-talented Emma is the designer because if she is then she is good. As well as doing voice-over work she is also a writer and has written ’several acclaimed comedy programmes for mainstream UK radio’.

Obviously promotion of her work is the main function of the website which is more than understandable, having said that there are some nice little touches that make the site worth a visit in it’s own right. Her blog is nicely written in a smooth and quite personable style however it is the ‘fun stuff’ that has grabbed the headlines and the plaudits.

The spoof mp3 recordings of Tube announcements are indeed very funny and well worth a listen. If you have ever travelled on the Tube then you will recognise the various situations very relevant. Other cute touches are various opportunities to have Emma speak lines you construct although i found the ‘identikit Emma and flip book Emma’ features a little on the egomaniac side. 

Personally speaking I would prefer somebody to identikit me a new face rather than my existing one but maybe that is just a personal preference. In reminding us to always Mind that Gap Emma has done Underground users a great service over the years and it is to be hope that her career prospers in the future.